September 2005 Archives

Today began almost like the others, a small emptiness in the stomach, 300 mg of Wellbutrin, skip the Cheerios, had no Diet Coke in the house. Stayed up too late last night working on the new laptop that my aunt just bought me and from which I am now wirelessly writing this. Long story about working on it, but now I have it up and running, but cannot connect to the AJC network. I need to revert to a previous version of the OS. Does this bore you? It kind of bores me, and I know what I am talking about. Too much time spent on technical dilemmas.

Today, again began like the rest, except this time with a 300 mg dose of Wellbutrin XL. My prescription has doubled, apparently to the standard dose. I have been told that any binge drinking on this dosage would run the risk of causing seizures. If my sanity and recovery weren't enough to keep me from drinking, this scarey possibilty surely is more than an added incentive. Today was up and down and up again. I am finishing the day on an upswing. Played tennis earlier with new friends. Went to Outback for filet with T and L. I am feeling lonely still, but more clearheaded now. I don't know if it is the meds, or if it is just getting better. A lot of the white noise that used to buzz about in my head seems to have dissipated. I am enjoying things a little more. Still sad and lonely and very missing of G. I can start to see a light at the end of the tunnel a little bit though. I don't know exactly what I will find when I get there, but I am willing to go forth.

Today began like the rest during this experiment. I awoke, ate a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios, popped the top on a Diet Coke and then popped my 150 mg Wellbutrin XL. I went to work for a while and then had an appointment with the prescribing doctor at 3PM. We talked for an hour. He told me that he could tell that I was feeling better, that my demeanor was more upbeat and I looked to have energy. He asked me where I would like to be in five years, and I laughed. At times it is hard for me to know where I want to be in five days, much less five years. All I could come up with was: 1) I would like to be married (kid[s] optional in 5 years), 2) I would like to have a mortgage, and 3) I would like to have ventured into a larger more significant writing project (publishing optional).

We talked about how education and creativity open us up to many more options than some people have. I told him that that leads to the "cable television effect", the one where when we only had three network broadcast channels on TV there was always something good to watch, but now that we have over 200 there is never anything worth watching. We become paralyzed by choice, and I think this has been a predicament for much of my adult life. I have a bit of musical talent, a bit of writing talent, a bit of design talent... but how could I ever choose to pursue one of these solely, or even more than another. He said that these should be viewed as opportunities to me, not burdens, that the thing that I needed to get working the most in my head was my indexing and priority systems. Then decisions would come easier. I thought it would have been great to be able to tell G, "I think Sotto Sotto would be great tonight, I've been craving Risotto!" when she asked, "Where would you like to go to dinner?" Indexing, prioritizing. Something is not computing right in the old internal CPU.

Yesterday was Day 6. Still not really feeling any effect from the drug that I can really feel. I got up as usual, another 150 mg, and then to the gym for some treadmill time. I have lost 17 lbs. since robert left at the beginning of August. I am not really trying to lose weight, but if there's a silver lining to all that is going on, that is surely it. I spent most of the day relatively comfortably alone yesterday, only stepping out to play pool with Tommy for an hour late in the afternoon.

G called last night and gave me the update on the wedding over the weekend. We talked and I believe I was more updbeat than I have been lately. I am starting to not care as much. Not that I don't care, I just don't care as much. I realize that there are so many things about my situation right now that are out of my hands, and that I need to stop worrying about the things I cannot actively do anything about. I really need to just keep on track with my personal plan and things will work out for the best, no matter what that is. I know it sounds a bit pop-psychy, but I'll keep telling myself that.

I am reading a book about a guy who starts to take medication for chronic indecision. He has real trouble making event the most basic choices - whether to go to dinner with his girlfriend, out with friends etc. He starts taking the "experimental" drug for his condition, and at this point in the novel he is even more paralyzed, putting off making decisions for a week or so, until the drug starts working. I feel like that is somewhat where I am on my new regiment of Wellbutrin. I am starting to set up strategies to deal with my new circumstances, but am wondering if the medication will make me need new strategies - or at least different ones - once the medication starts to work. I have been told it will be 2 weeks to a month before the real effects will be found, and I am only 5 days into my treatment. I have moments of relaxation and clarity, but those many times give way to confusion, anxiety and over-analysis of even the smallest details of my situaiton. I don't know how or if Wellbutrin will help with these, I hope so. But I feel that I cannot just wait until the medication kicks in before I really start dealing with these tendencies. If you read this and have advice, I am open to it.

Yesterday was day 3. Same bowl of serial, another 150 mg. Tommy told me I needed to build a morning routine, and I guess I kind of have it now. It is anchored around taking my medication. My day went well, minimal amount of the blues, until I was coming home. It was then I realized that I had been having a bit of anxiety related to spending the whole night alone last night. I arrived at the house after work to find the City of Atlanta had come and cut down the one remaining oak on the street by the house - that sent me over the edge and I started crying before I could even get in the front door. I called mom and caught her on the way into the mall to talk about it. I finally calmed down. Talked with JT later, went to the bookstore, came home and read for a while with baseball in the background. Later, G called from Sparkle and we had a good conversation. Seems like things may be continuing to improve in that area of my life. In case, you don't know, I love her so much.

I awoke on day 2 much better than the day before. No scarey dreams or anything of that nature. A little of the hit in the gut feeling, still forgetting while sleeping the changes that have occurred. I immediately recovered fairly well though. I had another bowl of cold cereal and took another 150 mg of Wellbutrin XL. I felt calmer and more energized, some of which had to do with the phone call that came out-of-the-blue from G the night before. My primary emotional problem on a day-to-day basis is how much I am missing her, and it was nice that she called.

Yesterday was my first day on Wellbutrin. I awoke in the morning, turned on the morning news shows on TV, and ate a bowl of cold cereal. Then I went to the kitchen and with a bit of adrenalin running through me I popped my first 150 milligrams.

Tomorrow I start anti-depressants for the first time in my life. After much time resisting and feeling my brain reacting against me time and time again, I finally gave in. I got over my Marxist tendencies to consider it another opiate, a way of making happy workers and happy kids who would grow up to be happy workers and would not question the status quo. I went to a psychiatrist who explained what the research on the brain was in these matters, and I left his office with a two week supply of Wellbutrin XL Extended Release formula.

I am so tired of feeling depressed, and the recent events and changes in my life have not really helped matters in this department.

G's grandmother died last night at around 11 PM. She had fallen a couple of days ago and broken her hip. Earlier last night she had a massive heart attack and G called to tell me that. She then called this morning to let me know that Thama had died.

What I knew of "Thama" (a name G's sister, the oldest grandchild, created through childhood speech) were these things.

I saw her today. Three days after we officially were over. I was taking a walk, one which would have taken me by her house, not by design, but necessity. Walking up the front sidewalk and into the house with sofa seat cushions she went. I thought all of that was going down tomorrow night, not tonight. I was trying to be strong. Had been trying all day, but seeing her almost brought me to my knees. Carrying sofa seat cushions is not usually the most romantic image, but she was a vision doing it. I guess she will now have better furniture in her new place. That will be good and comforting. I took a detour and went down through the park and around the golf course so as not to create weirdness or thoughts that I may be stalking. I wanted just as much to run up and hug her. To help bring the sofa in. To have a glass of water. To tell her I love her. To pretend like we were still together. Like I would be sitting on those sofas soon... but maybe soon.

drunk with his muse

It is 4 AM on the morning and Grier and I have been broken up for some 10 hours now. My parents have come in town this weekend for a visit, and emotional rescue of sorts, and things have not worked out as well as I had hoped. I awake a few minutes ago with cold arms and tried to warm them and get back to sleep. The split second that it took to decide to put my arms back under the covers was enough, however, to let in the reality of what has gone on.

G is gone. She told me today maybe it could work in the future, but it definitely cannot work right now. That we needed a clean break in order to work on the things that we individually need to work on. Hers may be finding out if someone else is more suited for her than I am and I imagine some other things. Mine are much more.

I have been bad, very bad. I have kissed another woman once early in our relationship, during the time G says, and I somewhat agree, was the good time in our relationship. It was my mistake. I should never have done it, and will never again. At the time, however, it only proved how deep my love for her had gotten so quickly. The kiss was awkward, and quick, and I immediately felt guilt and great swells of love for G. I vowed then that I never would do such a thing again, and I have not.

I thought G was the ONE though. I thought she was the one from the moment I drove to her sisters apt on June 21, 2003 after being out with my friend, because I could not bear not to see her for another minute, and we sat on the porch and talked and smoked cigarettes for much of the night, and I saw no less than 5 shooting stars.

In the midst of a bout of unemployment and indecision about a big move, I fell head over heels for a girl from Spartanburg, SC. I think most of you know how in love I was, and am. There's another part to the story though.

My other sins were much bigger though. I know many of you who I talk to regularly have heard me talk of "drunken belligerence" directed toward G. I don't know where it came from and I am not sure still. However, I think mostly it came from low feelings about myself, feelings of not being worthy of a woman like G, of fear that she would leave me one day and to take control of that, I should hasten the departure.

I had a dark side, an evil side, and it was fueled by alcohol. "Drunken belligerence" is euphemistic. I would get drunk and fall to pieces and start to curse her, her family, her friends. As she told me yesterday, I would call her a "whore and slut" and would generally denigrate the things that were closest to her.

She became fearful of me, and while it never came to physical violence, I understand if she felt that it could one day. I understand why she wanted to run, and I guess I understand why she finally did yesterday.

I don't fully know why I started or continued this behavior. I know that drinking had something to do with it, especially in great quantities. I also know that she tried to love me through it all, to fix it through love, and I am grateful for the attempt. I am not grateful for, or even respectful of myself, for not taking that love for what it was and making the change happen. I am sick tonight with guilt and regret. How could I shit on the thing I had waited all of my adult life for? How could I have shit on this woman who I consider to be the one? Why didn't I stop earlier before it came to this? Why didn't I stop earlier out of simple humanity? I feel so evil inside. I still feel so unworthy of a woman as good as her. I want to be better, to be made whole again. I want to feel happiness, simple and innocent happiness, and peace.

I am writing all of this because I cannot figure out any other way to get back to sleep. My mind is racing with all of these thoughts and they are keeping me awake. I didn't know what else to do. I am at a loss, but am tired.

To G, and God, and all of you reading or listening. Find it in your hearts to forgive me. Find it in your prayers a little word for me, in hopes that I will be a better man, so that I might one day find again many things that I have lost, and especially the one big thing... and that I won't squander it all if my search is fruitful. I repent. I repent. I repent. I repent...

Bryan